Will I ever understand how my brain works? Will anyone? I spent half of today giddy about the sunlight, singing along to my favorite music, knocking stuff off my to-do list at work… the other half, I couldn’t hold back tears. I felt worthless and judged. I just knew I was saying stupid things, annoying everyone, failing at every task. Low energy, aches and pains, the churning in my stomach… I can’t trust myself because my mind lies to me. I am being fed untruths that I fully believe in the moment and that are quite capable of breaking my heart.
But tonight I feel again that stability is possible. These past couple of weeks have been the exception, not the norm. I try to think back to 2009 as often as possible. Once I was a solid 2 ½ years out from the birth of my first daughter, I was able to get healthy again. But it took that long for my physical and mental health to recover from pregnancy with the help of meds, diet and exercise. Now the little one has just turned two. This isn’t a lost cause. I’m on track. It’s hard to get back to good health with a very small child and a full time job. I will get there.
Today will have a happy ending. Everything was fine post 5:00. I really, really needed time with my friend. Other besties have been very supportive. But I tend to feel quite unworthy of this particular person’s companionship during times like these and I needed proof that she wanted to talk to me. It wasn’t anything specific that she needed to say or that anyone else could say in her place. I was just real sure that her life would be quite a bit better without me in it and she needed to disprove that. I think she got it and she did take time to talk. Ah, thank goodness.
Then I came home to our sweet little house and the girls in the backyard with Chris. It feels almost like spring outside, the air thick with moisture and the breeze cool and quick. I could close my eyes and imagine the life that would spring up in that yard in just a few months. And the biggest blessing of all – Chris is home tonight. Chris is an old fashioned, sturdy presence. He is big and strong with a thick neck and broad shoulders and baby blues eyes that give him away as a softie. His fuzzy brown beard is streaked with new grays and the girls love snuggling their faces in it. He was pointing out where we would plant the next blueberry bush, where to put up a grape trellis… then reaching out a big, gentle hand, he stopped Laura from face planting while she experimented with the scooter. How can I not be comforted by this love fest? The $1.99 frozen pizza was pretty awesome too…
It really will be okay. I say that a lot. Thanks to mental illness coupled with a great deal of self-doubt and dislike, I have to keep saying it. I do mean it, it is true, I just forget from time to time. So bear with me, keep reading my redundant ramblings, and maybe even share some of your own stories about bipolar disorder.